Faith in the Uncertainty

For months, I kept asking God/Source what I was supposed to do.

What am I here to do? What is my purpose? What am I supposed to create? Where am I being led?

Could you please just make this VERY fucking obvious so I don't screw it up?!

I wanted a sign. An answer. A revelation.

Preferably with detailed instructions, a timeline, and maybe a map!

Instead, there was a whole lot of waiting, uncertainty, and a lot of fears.

Money was one of them. I'd walked away from so much of what was familiar, and while I believed I was being guided toward something different, I couldn't see what that was supposed to look like.

What if I don't figure this out in time? What if I make the wrong decision? What if I've misunderstood where I was being led?

It's one thing to talk about trusting God when life feels relatively stable. It's another when you're staring at your bank account, wondering how everything is going to work out!!

So when the answers didn't come quickly enough, I went looking for them.

I'd ask someone I trusted. Listen to another teaching. Look for another sign. Book another session. Pull another card. Ask Spirit again.

I've spent years developing my intuition and deepening my relationship with Spirit. And yet, I started noticing how quickly I could abandon what I knew the moment someone else sounded more certain than I felt. I realized that I was still looking outside myself for someone to tell me what to do.Ugh! 

And then one day, I realized something... 

Sometimes I wanted an answer more than I wanted a relationship with God/Source.

I realized how much of my time with God/Source had become focused on trying to figure things out. I'd been so busy asking where I was supposed to go and what I was supposed to do that I'd forgotten I could simply BE with God, even when I didn't understand what was happening.

And I started seeing how much of my searching was really about wanting to feel safe.

Because if I knew exactly what was coming, I could prepare. If I knew I was making the right decision, I could relax. If God would just give me some clear instructions, I wouldn't have to worry so much about getting it wrong!!!

My prayers started changing after that.

I still asked questions, but I also started telling the truth about being scared. About feeling frustrated and sometimes being really tired of trying to figure everything out.

Some days I cried. Some days I was angry. Some days I sat quietly and listened. And some days I had absolutely nothing to say.

I began spending time with God without needing every conversation to give me an answer. And I started paying more attention to what I already knew, instead of endlessly searching for someone or something to confirm it.

The uncertainty was still there, but I was beginning to trust myself within it.

I'm still learning.

There are days when I feel deeply connected to God, to my soul, and to something so much greater than this human life. Days when I feel certain and anchored in my own inner knowing.

And then there are days when I question pretty much everything.

I'm beginning to believe that both can exist.

I can trust God and still be afraid. I can trust my intuition and still have questions. I can believe I'm being guided and still have absolutely no idea where I'm going.

Maybe being human means we move between faith and fear, connection and disconnection, remembering and forgetting.

And maybe faith is something we continue to choose, even when we're uncertain.

And when we forget...

We find our way back.

Again and again.